I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i drank out of a bidet.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
