My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
