I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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