Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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