I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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