Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
