Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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