evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
