TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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