I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
