He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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