i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
