So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
