I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
