She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
