woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
