I'm gonna have a badass scar
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
