have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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