i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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