eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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