So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
