does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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