I am puke
is wine microwaveable?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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