I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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