That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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