I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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