My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
