it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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