My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
