He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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