My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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