The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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