Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize