chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My ass is underappreciated
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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