i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
