Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Houston, we have a squirter
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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