I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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