Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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