So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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