he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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