he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
