why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
