i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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