She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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