Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize