I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
