True but thats because hes a fetus.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
