I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
