T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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