i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
