I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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