Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
