I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
