after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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