i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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