I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
