How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
